resolutions for a happy green year.

Something grandiose with astronomical odds has to happen to curb exhaustively Earth’s ecological threats within the next 365 days. Carbon emissions will have to stop—so I’ll convince everyone on the planet to stop driving planes, trains, and automobiles cold turkey. We’d better allow public transit via trains and busses, though, because as swell as the bicycles Schwinn and Peugeot produce might be, the bike trip from Winnipeg to Tallahassee can cause a really tender gluteus maximus. Meanwhile, I’ll keep blogging and telling everyone about the benefits we’ll all reap with further development of biofuel using corn, native prairie grass, soybeans, sugar cane, and other sustainable, eco-friendly energy sources. Spreading this news will ensure that everyone will trade in their cars, vans, and megatrucks for 100% electric automobiles. Or hybrids.
I’ll still have to plant enough trees to offset carbon emissions. According to my calculations, that will total a $10,000,0000,007 bill at my local nursery, at minimum. To say the least, romantic evenings with my girlfriend will be wanting (she’ll have to adjust).
Simultaneously, all currently operating coal-fired power plants will be shut down this year, and all blueprints for future smelly plants crumpled, thrown in the trash—thanks to my letters to members of Congress citing scientific evidence for the superiority of alternative energy methods. Wave goodbye, killer mercury-laden fish; your glory days are history.

Obviously, these are the definitive solutions to the global climate crisis. Yet, while concocting this elaborate treatise/action plan, it dawned on me that I might be getting ahead of myself. It turns out reversing global climate change will take more than one year of work by one young, pseudo-intellectual, idealistic man.
So, I’ll give the “act locally and think globally” bit the old college try. Perhaps a few of my plans still ended up a little too lofty and probably will meet the same fate as my Yoga for Beginners video I bought for last year’s New Year resolution: dusty, unmet with human contact.
Yet I believe fully in the butterfly effect: a small butterfly flapping its wings causes a gentle breeze, which develops into a strong wind, which gains momentum and blows over the ocean—and voilà! Hurricane. Except in this case, I’m not thinking about destruction or hurricanes at all. I’m thinking about small ideas that can blossom into leafy, expansive, comprehensive plans to combat the global climate change crisis.

TO DO
1. Construct compost bin to transform waste into rich, fertile soil. *Materials attached
2. Start a worm farm in my basement, where the moist air is welcoming to soft-bodied invertebrate animals.
3. Toss worms and waste in compost bin and let the organic magic begin (if the bin’s a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking).
4. Ride bicycle everywhere—to classes, work, meetings, (parties?)—unless in the case of mandatory voyage from Winnipeg to Tallahassee—then take Amtrak. Chat with friendly passengers.
5. Watch “An Inconvenient Truth,” “Earth to America,” and “French Fries to Go” multiple times with everyone I know. Be amazed and gravely concerned. Don’t forget organic popcorn—people love popcorn.
6. Keep buying fruits, vegetables, milk, and meat from Growing Power or other local Community Supported Agriculture community. Or local co-op. Or Whole Foods Market if bank account skyrockets due to bank error (cross fingers).
7. Figure out how to obtain organic, fair trade coffee beans without transportation emissions involved.
8. Consider life without coffee.
9. Freak out!
10. Turn off lights when exiting rooms (kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, office). Don’t use lights during daylight; remember to shut down or log off computer when inactive.
11. Sneakily switch all light bulbs at home, in friends’ houses, classrooms, and office to compact fluorescents.
12. Invest 100% of monthly energy bill to alternative energy methods such as wind, solar, and biomass power.
13. Launch sustainable T-shirt line—Step Lightly—with differing shades of green and loud catchphrases like IT’S NOT SLEAZY BEING GREEN and I’M GREEN WITH IVY (ivy graphic crawls along torso).
14. Wear said T-shirts ad infinitum and market to celebrities and international music superstars (Shakira, Enrique Iglesias, Bono). Money’s green. (donate to Sierra Club, Greenpeace, etc.).


* Worm composting bin materials
One 4-x-8-foot sheet of 1/2-inch exterior plywood
One 2 x 4 x 12 length lumber
One 2 x 4 x 16 length lumber
16d galvanized nails
6d galvanized nails
Two galvanized door hinges
One pound of worms for every 1/2 pound of food waste produced per day.
Peat moss, brown leaves, moistened, shredded newspaper or moistened, shredded cardboard